Grape Shots
by alien09
Summary: Puck spent lunch watching Rachel erect a shrine to Chang's rose. / Where Puck is just...Puck. A series of Puckleberry one-shots with Rake friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n: this is a repost because FFNET decided to delete my story due to "inaccurate rating". all those reviews lost. so begins the gradual salvaging of my one-shot series.**

Let's get one thing straight – the only reason Puck was doing this was to get some action. Otherwise, watching _A Walk To Remember _with Rachel Berry was making him seriously rethink whether he had unwittingly undergone some kind of estrogen transplant.

'Berry, _seriously_, I am about to take a spoon and gouge my fucking _eyes _out.' A beat. 'And then I might-'

'_Honestly _Noah. This was _your _idea in the first place. I don't see why you have to ruin-'

Puck gaped at her because _really_? Was she being fucking _serious_?

'Berry, I'm here because you said you'd let me touch your boobs,' Puck informed her flatly, crossing his arms. Rachel let out a gasp of outrage.

'I said no such thing!'

'Really? Because I remember you sashaying up to me and shaking that milkshake all up in my yard.'

'Clearly you have taken one too many footballs to the head if you misinterpreted my attempt at forming some kind of friendship as a sexual interlude,' Rachel told him primly, fiddling with the edge of her shorts. Her voice echoed around the empty house and Puck was reminded again of how very much alone they were.

'I don't do the whole friends thing with chicks,' Puck retorted, raising a brow. Rachel looked confused for a moment before smoothing out her features into a serene expression.

That should have been the first sign of warning, a presage of things to come.

'I find that hard to believe. I see you conversing with Quinn and Santana on an otherwise regular basis,' Rachel said, sliding her eyes his way. Puck fixed his gaze on the screen resolutely, watching as Shane West positioned Mandy Moore on the line that divided two states.

'I only talk to girls when I want in their pants.'

'That's despicable,' Rachel wrinkled her nose. 'And also incredibly unhealthy.'

Puck shrugged, not feeling the need to explain the fact that he was a stud. Because really, wasn't it obvious _enough_? Relationships and shit like that were for pussies like Finn who didn't find anything wrong with handing his balls over to some virginal Cheerio who liked to flash her spanks at Puck and any other guy during practice.

Was it so wrong that Puck liked being on top?

He didn't think so.

'While I suppose I should be flattered that you consider me attractive enough to constitute as one of your sexual conquests,' Rachel started, sucking in a large breath as Puck rolled his eyes. Didn't this girl ever learn the meaning of _silence_? It was like every time she opened her mouth there was this great big tsunami of words that pulled you under like a fucking tidal wave.

On the flip side, her ability to hold her breath that long presented such _interesting _possibilities…

'Puck! Are you listening to me?' Rachel's sharp tone made him blink.

'No,' he replied truthfully and watched as her face coloured comically.

'I don't even know why I bothered. This was obviously an extremely ill-advised idea on my part. That ridiculous hairstyle is clearly a foreshadowing of your infantile behaviour,' Rachel said, rising agitatedly to her feet. Puck thought she was going to stomp her foot. She didn't.

_Wait a minute…_

'Dude, did you just insult my 'hawk?' Puck asked, affronted.

'If you must know _Noah_,' (okay. There was no fucking way he had thought Berry saying his name that way was hot. At all. Actually, it was maybe sorta turning him on a little), 'the mohawk is a hairstyle favoured by punk rockers and bears a striking resemblance-'

Puck mimicked snoring. Loudly.

This time Rachel did stomp her little, tiny feet.

'Get out!' She hissed between her teeth. Puck settled himself comfortably into her couch, shifting his rear to find the sweet spot. Ah, there it was.

'Are your auditory senses malfunctioning?' Rachel shrieked. Puck smirked.

'Sorry. I forgot my Berry to English dictionary. You mind translating?'

'You,' Rachel said through clenched teeth. She bunched her fists at her side and Puck noticed the way her chest was straining through her thin t-shirt. 'Are _insufferable_.'

'Buenos nachos.'

'You're unbearable bilingually!' Rachel pointed a finger at him.

'Seriously Berry,' Puck said with a straight face. 'I'm trying to watch some serious romance here. Why don't you save your little bitch fit for later?' He leered. Rachel stood stock still and thinned her lips. Finally, realizing that Puck wasn't going to move, she seated herself on the opposite end of the couch.

Puck inched closer.

Rachel edged away.

They continued this dance until Rachel was pressed up against the side, her ribs digging painfully into the armrest. Puck swung an arm up behind her, letting his fingers graze against her shoulders.

'What are you doing?' Her words were soft but it made Puck pause before he resumed his ministrations.

'Seducing you.'

Rachel sighed but didn't shift away this time.

'And its working,' Puck had to point out, smugly looking down at the goosebumps on her arm. When Rachel kept her trap shut, he started to worry.

He had mentioned the tsunami before.

_Shit, was this the calm before the storm?_

'Why are you here Puck?'

'To get to second base,' his reply was automatic. Rachel gave him a bittersweet smile.

_Well. Fuck me. She knows._

The next thing he knew her lips were pressed against his.

'Huh,' was all he managed to say as Rachel tucked herself against him.

'_Please _Noah. Why else would you be here on a Saturday night watching a chick flick with me if you didn't like me.' The triumphant smile on her face made him scowl.

'I _don't _like you,' he protested.

Because he _didn't_. Just because he might think she was hot, and that maybe her laugh sounded like wind chimes, or that she actually _bothered _with him…all that was, like, totally passing thoughts. It wasn't like he took the time to study her or contemplate shit about Rachel Berry.

Seriously.

'This movie blows,' Puck felt the need to point out, feeling his knees bump against her coffee table with an audible _thud_.

'I think it's lovely.'

'Yeah well, you belong in a mental institution.'

She fucking giggled and pressed a kiss to his cheek like he had just given her a compliment.

That was when Puck realized he'd shackled himself to all this crazy.

_Dude, she's probably _murder _in the sack._

So maybe his decision to come here hadn't been a complete failure, Puck thought, ever so slightly leaning his head against Rachel's hair.

It wasn't like this was a relationship.

Right?


	2. Chapter 2

Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned.

Whoever thought that shit up must have been _whack_. Because, seriously, one look at Rachel was enough to make him want to move to fucking _Antartica_.

It started a while ago when Berry would walk into Glee like she'd won a Tony. Everyone had looked at Finn immediately but seeing the same confused expression plastered on the quarterback's face, the rest of Glee had dismissed the idea that Finn had finally declared his totally clichéd love for Rachel.

(The very thought made him want to pull an Exorcist and projectile vomit everywhere. It wasn't because he cared)

(_It wasn't_)

At first Puck had thought Finn just didn't _know _he had hooked up with Rachel. Because girl was seriously ten kinds of crazy crammed into a smokin' hot bod. Puck wouldn't be surprised if she turned up one day dressed as Idina-something just because she _could_. And let's face it – the dude thought he'd knocked up Quinn by blowing his load in a hot tub.

But it was a conversation he'd overheard that had made Puck think otherwise. Finn had asked Rachel to quote unquote, do something after school (the guy may be his best friend but _seriously? __T__his _was what Quinn thought made Finn more responsible?). Instead of flashing those big, huge eyes at Finn like he was the fucking messiah, Rachel had informed Finn she was busy.

_Burn_.

Kurt had been by his side and the next thing Puck knew, he was dressed up like some Black Panther reject slouched down inside his truck with Hummel peering through a pair of binoculars.

'_Woah_,' Mike muttered from the backseat (yeah, he didn't know why Other Asian and Shaft were here either). 'That guy must totally rock the same perm Schue does because that thing on his head looks like JT's 'fro had a kid which then _spawned _this like curly-haired mini-'fro baby-'

'Oh sweet Versace,' Hummel had exclaimed, his fedora going askew.

'What?' Puck demanded, pretending to be cool as he snatched the binoculars away and pressed it to his face.

'My friends, I'm afraid that we've lost our star,' Kurt announced in this completely tragic tone, like he'd just discovered Kelly Rowland had replaced Beyonce as the lead of Destiny's Child. Puck felt his brow pull together when Berry started devouring the dude's face.

'Man, look at her go. It's like since she couldn't have Mr Schue she decided to settle for his younger clone.' Matt paused. 'Wow. Those vocal lessons must have totally expanded her diaphragm or something because she hasn't come up for air. That's wicked cool.'

(Puck considered that she shouldn't be wasting skills like that on some boy band reject. Real studs _don't _wear khaki shorts)

'_That _is the male lead of Carmel High,' Kurt had informed them, mouth still hanging open.

So when Puck marched up to her the next day, he totally had had the future of Glee in mind. It wasn't because the very idea of Rachel sucking face with that Vocal Adrenaline guy made him want to dent some lockers.

It _wasn't_.

'Sup traitor?'

Rachel turned to him, frowning as she turned from her locker.

'I beg your pardon?' She said, acting all oblivious.

'Fraternizing with the enemy Berry? Even _I _wouldn't stoop that low.'

'Yes, well, forgive me if I fail to find your standard of decency acceptable.'

_Ouch._

Puck leaned down, forcing Rachel to take a step back until her back hit the lockers.

'You don't find it weird that our competition suddenly starts mackin' on you?'

'_Jonathan _didn't even realize I went to McKinley until I divested that piece of information during one of our conversations,' Rachel pressed back, jabbing her finger into his chest. 'So if you're implying that for some _absurd _reason that he's _using _me…' She trailed off before tossing her hair over her shoulder. Puck angrily brushed aside the sweet-smelling (no, wait. Her hair didn't smell like apples. It smelled like _feet_) strands and unclenched his fists as Berry walked away.

Hummel had tried to reason with her as well, but obviously she was the _great _Rachel Berry and she thought she knew _everything_.

But then, a few weeks before Regionals, she'd come in looking _pissed_.

Puck wasn't even talking how apeshit Quinn had gotten when she'd found out about him sexting Santana, or even how bad Finn had been when he'd found out who Drizzle's _real _father was.

No this was like the beginning of God of War II when Kratos had to climb his way out of hell, with all those dead skeletons trying to drag him back down into the fiery pits.

Only, like, one _gazillion _times more deadly.

So yeah, Puck had totally found the seat furthest away from Berry because he wanted a nice wide-angle view when she finally blew her top. It wasn't because he was scared or anything. Hell, Puck would gladly have adamantium bonded to his bones _without _the healing factor if you wanted. He'd do it right now.

(There was nothing wrong with self-preservation)

'So I was thinking that maybe we could-'

'Mr Schue, would it be alright if I performed something?' Rachel interrupted. Puck was pretty sure the New Directions chair took one look at the Carrie-esque look plastered all over Berry's mug because the next thing everyone knew Schue was nodding rapidly like some kind of hyperactive chipmunk and Rachel was facing them all with this, like, intensely focused _look_.

She sucked in a deep breath and Puck leaned his head back a bit to get in a big nap (because when Berry started talking, Puck wasn't sure the fucking _apocalypse _would make her stop) but Rachel's words caught his interest.

'As you are all aware, I have engaged in a rather clandestine affair with the male vocal lead of Vocal Adrenaline.' Puck saw the look of extreme shock on Schue's face and rolled his eyes. 'However, despite my rather determined efforts to force aside the stereotypical warnings that many of you have forced upon me, I have come to realize that perhaps there was the slightest possibility that you might have had my best interests at heart. Which is quite hard to believe considering my rather rocky relationship with most of you thus far but I think that music is the most cathartic release of these negative emotions I have been experiencing lately and so I would appreciate it if you would all remain silent and perhaps endure the song I am about to perform because it would contribute _supremely _to my emotional health.'

Rachel looked at them all expectantly, as if she thought they had understood like a _fifth _of what she had just spouted off. He even thought Mike had whipped out that electronic dictionary Rachel had bought him when he had made an off-hand comment that the Asian boy needed something to help him understand her speech. Rachel, being Rachel, had taken this quite seriously. Mike had accepted her gift, unsure whether to feel gratified or insulted.

Puck had just smirked.

But back to Berry. She nodded towards Piano Guy (who _was _that dude?) and then begun to sing.

**You held my hand and walked me home, I know  
Why you gave me that kiss it was something like this it made me go ooh ohh  
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?  
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love  
Guys are so hard to trust  
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?  
The one who gives it all away, yeah**

**Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?**  
**Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?**  
**Don't try to tell me what to do,**  
**Dont try to tell me what to say,**  
**You're better off that way**

**Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck**  
**Will get you in my pants I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget**  
**I'm gonna ask you to stop, thought I liked you a lot, but I'm really upset**  
**Get out of my head get off of my bed yeah thats what I said**  
**Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who, throws it all away**

**Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?**  
**Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?**  
**Don't try to tell me what to do,**  
**Dont try to tell me what to say,**  
**You're better off that way**

**This guilt trip that you put me on won't, mess me up I've done no wrong**  
**Any thoughts of you and me have gone away**

**Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?**  
**Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?**  
**Don't try to tell me what to do,**  
**Dont try to tell me what to say,**  
**You're better off that way**

**Better off that way**  
**I'm better off alone anyway**

Puck felt his stomach twist.

Oh, it was _on_.

When he walked into Glee next practice, his knuckles were split and bleeding. Berry had taken one look at it and gasped all horrified and cartoonish.

'_Oh my Lord Noah!_' Was all she managed before she pushed him down into a chair and struggled with the first aid kit stowed in the back of the room. 'What _happened_?'

Puck shrugged, totally not minding that Rachel was flitting her fingers around his hand like that. Her chest was like, _eye level_, and he was enjoying the view.

'Have you been engaging in _another _activity totally unbecoming of a high school senior such as yourself?' She asked, sighing all heavily like he was an idiot.

Puck felt his brow lump together in the middle. 'Berry, I have _total _fists of fury. It'd be a waste not to like _utilize _it or some shit like that.'

Rachel viciously poured some kind of foul smelling liquid onto a cotton ball.

'You,' she said all matter-of-factly, 'are an _idiot_.'

And then she pressed the cotton ball onto his war wounds and completely _burned his skin off_.

At least, that's what it felt like.

He didn't say a word after that, choosing to glare at Berry's ungrateful (finely-toned) ass as she bandaged his hand with care.

It was only after rehearsal did she get a clue.

Jonathan, the former pretty boy of Vocal Adrenaline (Puck took in his split lip and bruised nose and wondered how someone could look that _fugly_), was standing on the steps of McKinley. He spotted Rachel and shuffled up to her. Berry, on her part, was staring aghast at her ex (and _really_, she went from _him _to _that_?).

'Jonathan?' She asked, as if she couldn't quite believe that someone had completely messed up the asshole's face like that.

'I'm sorry that I tried to make you sleep with me.' Puck glared at the mini-Schue (which, on second thought, was a complete insult to the teacher because Puck maybe found him moderately tolerable despite the Spanish teacher's Care Bear stance on _life_. And, like, it'd take a complete _saint _to have to put up with Mrs Schue because Puck was pretty sure she was some kind of Arkham Asylum escapee). Jonathan swallowed. 'And I wouldn't have been able to satisfy you anyway because I have a penis the size of a tadpole.'

Rachel gaped.

Puck nodded.

Jonathan disappeared into his tiny car (as stated by the man himself, there was _obviously _no need to compensate for something already lacking), Rachel pivoted on her heel and stared up at him.

'What?' He asked, shifting when she didn't say anything.

'You…your hand…his face…'

'What about it?' Puck remarked, strolly casually towards his truck. Rachel followed after him. _Of course _she would. Seriously. Couldn't she accept the good deed like a normal human being?

'Noah, were you _defending _my honour?'

'Hell no!' Puck protested immediately. 'I got extra pickles in my burger today and I needed like an outlet to channel all my aggression. That dude just _happened _to pass by. I didn't even know who he was.'

'You didn't know that he and I engaged in a clandestine affair?'

Puck dug his nails into his palms.

'Fuck no. If I did I would have bought him a trophy for even _wanting _to date your crazy ass.'

'Oh.' Her voice was all small and meek and _fuck_. Now he felt guilty.

'Look Berry. Don't make a big deal out of this. Your, like, completely unsubtle song about this douche demanded action. I exercised my right to vandalize his face with my fists.'

Puck yanked open the door to his truck.

Rachel looked at him with Bambi, glassy eyes.

'You want a ride?' He asked, _reluctantly_.

(Let's be clear on that)

So he drove her home. When they got to her driveway, she was looking at him like he'd taken a slushy for her or when he'd chosen Glee or when he'd sung "Sweet Caroline".

'So see ya,' he muttered, facing the road.

Her lips pressed against his cheek.

'Thank you Noah.'

That burning on his skin?

It had to be an allergic reaction to that antiseptic shit Berry had smeared all over his hand earlier.

That's _it_.


	3. Chapter 3 Cupcake

**a/n: so begins the cupcake 'verse! it's kind of a mini-series within a series, if that even makes sense.**

It had started like this.

Puck had started breaking some eggs and pulling out the flour when he realized he didn't know what the fuck he was doing. So he picked up his cell and dialed.

'Yo Other Asian. Be at mine _now_.'

When he opened the door half an hour later, a surly Mike Chang was glaring at him. Matt raised a hand in greeting as he pushed his way past Mike, bumping fists with Puck on his way through.

'Dude, my name is _Mike_,' he pointed out rather prissily as he closed the door behind him.

'Right Michaela, got it,' Puck replied, gesturing for them to follow him.

'Is there a reason you dragged us down here?' Matt questioned, his deep voice interrupting anything Mike was about to say. Entering the kitchen, his friends caught sight of the mess on the counter top.

There was a moment of silence before Mike spoke.

'Is there something you want to tell us Noah?'

Puck frowned and reigned in the snappy retort because he needed these two to put his plan into motion.

'Either of you know how to bake?' Puck asked.

'Yeah, you know, Wednesday nights after my knitting class I head over to the Martha Stewart-'

'Are these orders?' Matt ran over Mike (again), picking up a piece of paper Puck had left on the edge of the breakfast nook.

'Let me see that,' Mike said before snatching the loose leaf from Matt's hands. Puck watched as Mike squinted and brought the paper closer to his face. 'Puck, bro, your writing is practically illiterate.'

Rolling his eyes, Puck grabbed the list from Mike and fixed them both with a serious look.

'Look, remember those cupcakes I sold during that retarded bake sale so we could get Wheels on the bus?'

'You mean the ones with Chronic Lady in 'em?' Matt replied, furrowing his brow.

Puck shrugged his shoulders. 'Turns out that paying for those prenatal visits is going to cost me a shitload. And the last thing I need is Quinn going all hormonal on my ass. So I figured since it worked so well the last time…'

Mike and Matt glanced at each other uncomfortably for a moment.

'You guys don't have to be here,' Puck muttered, turning his face away.

When Finn had found out the truth about who the real baby daddy was, the fall out had been decidedly catastrophic. Aside from beating the crap out of him (which Puck had readily accepted), Finn had also announced rather loudly to Quinn that they were over. The rest of the Gleeks had stood, stunned, before leaping into action. The Cheerios had shuffled Quinn off to a corner, along with Tina and Mercedes. Mike and Matt had gone after Finn, but not before sharing a meaningful look with Puck. Rachel had sat by his side, quietly.

So all in all, everything had turned out exactly the way it was supposed to be. Everyone thought he was a douche except the kids from Glee who had bothered to hear his side of the story. They weren't exactly welcoming him with open arms but they didn't go out of their way to, like, ostracize him.

The upside was that Quinn was finally letting him be a part of the baby's life.

Which meant money. _Lots _of it.

'Don't be retarded Puckerman,' Matt commented, rolling his eyes as if Puck was the biggest drama queen in the world. Puck glared back and noticed that Mike was on the phone. When the Asian boy turned back to the two of them with this really creepy grin on his face, Puck frowned.

'I got this,' was all Mike had said.

Which was why Puck was currently staring at Rachel Berry on his front porch.

'Hello Noah,' she said, but all Puck could register was that Rachel wasn't dressed like some anime schoolgirl reject (not that that was a_ bad _thing. Those skirts were obviously why he'd hooked up with her in the first place). The yoga pants clung to her hips and the spaghetti strapped top she had on was doing incredible things to her chest. Suddenly Mike was elbowing him to the side and grasping Rachel's hand.

_Wait. What?_

'Thanks for coming Rach,' Mike was gushing and pulling her into his house. Puck couldn't decide what to do when Matt smiled down at the petite brunette.

'Okay. Hold the fucking phone,' Puck demanded, stomping up towards the three of them. '_This _is what you did to solve my problem? _This_?'

Rachel had narrowed her eyes at him. 'I don't appreciate the tone you're taking Noah-'

Puck rounded on her. 'My name is _Puck_.'

Instead of being intimidated, Rachel simply rolled her eyes.

'Mike mentioned that this was an emergency that required a feminine touch,' Rachel said, glancing between the three of them. Clearing her throat when no one offered a reply, she fidgeted awkwardly beneath their eyes.

Puck sighed, running a hand down his shaved scalp.

'Fine. Whatever. If dealing with your crazy is what its gonna take to get me some dough, so be it,' Puck said with resignation. Ignoring the hurt look on Berry's face, and the disapproving one on Mike and Matt's (and since when did _this _friendship happen?), Puck dragged her gently towards the kitchen.

'Well,' Rachel murmured, and then didn't say anything at all. Which was kind of freaking Puck out because Rachel _always _had something to say. Like when Finn had started yelling at him during Glee a few days after Babygate broke, Rachel had like balled her little fists and told Frankenteen to _sit the fuck down _because his anger wasn't very conducive to the baby.

(Well, okay she hadn't actually swore but Puck could _so _here the words not being spoken)

Finn had looked dumbfounded and the rest of Glee had lapsed into this eerie silence before Schue had dismissed them. When Puck had asked her why she'd done that, she fixed him with this totally steely gaze.

'Because Noah, as much as this has hurt Finn, I'm sure its hurt you too.'

Damn if Rachel Berry hadn't made him feel like a Disney Princess with those words. A kind of tentative friendship had developed after that. Puck would take a swipe at Hummel when he was being a total bitch to her and Rachel didn't seem to mind running between Finn, Quinn and him to patch things up. They didn't really _say _much to each other but Puck figured, weird as it sounds, that nothing really needed to be said.

'So we kinda need to bake a hundred muffins before tomorrow,' Mike offered when it was clear Puck wasn't going to say anything.

'Is there a particular reason for such an extraordinary amount?' Rachel asked, wrinkling her nose. Both his friends turned to look at Puck.

Puck sighed heavily through his nose because there was no avoiding the bitch fit Berry was going to throw.

'You know how I'm like the Jewish version of Donald Trump?' Puck started.

'I'm quite sure sleeping with various middle-aged women as you magnanimously offer to clean their pools is _exactly_ how Donald Trump got started as well,' Rachel remarked dryly which sent Mike into fits and made Matt smirk.

'Berry, I can't help it if being sweaty and totally ripped helps boost my profit margins,' Puck shot back, flashing her a lopsided smirk. 'Point is since the cold's set in I need to find other ways to get some Benjamins. And selling specially-made baked goods is it.'

'Why are they special?' Rachel seemed confused. Something must have clicked because this mask of righteous fury came over her face and the next thing Puck knew she was jabbing him in the chest (_and ow!_) and totally gesticulating to get her point across.

'_Absolutely not_. I refuse to partake in this sordid activity! Voluntarily engaging in an endeavour that will allow my fellow peers to consume illegal substances is not only immoral but completely unbecoming of a young ingénue such as myself. Do you realize the frenzy that would occur if we get caught and as I'm accepting my Tony, they flash my mug shot on screen? _Do you_?'

When it became clear that she wasn't going to speak anymore, and that Mike and Matt had fled the scene like a bunch of pussies, Puck placed his hands on her shoulders. Her bare skin was soft and warm.

_Shit. Were his palms sweating?_

Casually, he dropped his palms off as he spoke.

'Listen up Berry. I'm a seventeen-year-old deadbeat with no future. If becoming a drug dealer to support my baby girl is what it's going to take, I'm going to do it. So either help me or leave,' Puck told her seriously.

A beat of tense silence.

'You're not a deadbeat Noah. In the future, I request that you refrain from calling yourself as such. While I do not agree with your methods, I must admit that you've shown a rather acute business savvy by tapping into a….market,' she said the word with distaste. 'And maximizing the income from your demographic.'

'Do all those five dollar words mean you're going to help me?'

Rachel looked at him as if he were an idiot.

'Michael. Matthew. Please come into the kitchen so I can plan the most suitable course of action,' Rachel called out and Mike and Matt walked in looking sheepish. Pulling Mike aside, Puck asked the question that had been pulling at his mind.

'How the fuck did you get Berry's number?'

Mike blinked before this smirk crawled its way across his face. 'She gave it to me.'

Puck felt his stomach clench and he didn't know why. Who _cared _that Rachel was suddenly bffs with Mike? Or Matt for that matter? He sure as fuck didn't. Just like it didn't bug the hell out of him that Rachel hadn't totally made vocal sex with Finn yet, despite the fact that everyone _expected _her to.

Rachel assigned them each a workstation and explained to them in detail what they were each supposed to do. Puck didn't think it was necessary to draw out the picture diagrams but when Mike dropped the eggs whole into the batter…well, he shut up after that.

'Is you sister asleep in her room?' Rachel asked him halfway through.

'The brat's at a friend's and my mum's working the graveyard shift,' Puck replied absently as he tried to whisk the lumps out.

'_Honestly _Noah. Do it like _this_,' Rachel said and before Puck could process the innuendo buried in her words, her hand was covering his and her chest was brushing up against his back. His whole body froze but Rachel didn't seem to notice considering the fact that she was still yabbering on about wrist movement and the amount of effort needed to ensure a smooth consistency.

'Noah?' Rachel was looking at him as if he were an idiot.

He was. But that wasn't the point.

His ex-girlfriend wasn't trying to seduce him. _Right_?

'Quit hassling me Berry. Look, Mike's screwing up the measurements,' Puck pointed out and Rachel let out an exclamation of disquiet when she saw the massive pile of flour Mike was about to throw inside a bowl.

The next day dawned bright and early.

Puck woke up with a serious crick in his neck and with someone curled up on his shoulder. Glancing down he saw Rachel's head buried into the nook. Mike was snoring loudly on the couch and Matt was sprawled out on the armchair, head hanging off the armrest. Puck closed his eyes, realizing there was still a few hours to go before school.

A few moments later he felt Rachel stir. He remained still.

She sucked in a breath and Puck refused to let himself tense. He was pretty sure when he had fallen asleep Rachel had been standing before Matt like some kind of Leroy Gibbs clone, complete with coffee cup in her hand.

'You know,' she whispered to herself. 'Despite the fact that you act like a delinquent and you possess the most ridiculous haircut in Lima, underneath it all you're still the sweetest boy I know.'

Puck wanted to tell her that he wasn't _fruity _thank you very much and that she could go shove her platitudes.

But then he realized that Rachel didn't say things she didn't mean.

'I wish you could see that too.'

Yeah, okay. He had a _total _Disney Princess moment right then.

This time when she settled herself into his side again, Puck tightened his grip on her.


	4. Chapter 4

'Noah, I need to speak with you,' Rachel demanded after Glee.

_Ah hell._

'For the last time Berry, the candy shop isn't open all day. My goodies are specially-made to order.'

'That's completely inappropriate Noah,' his ex-girlfriend was fully glaring at him now. Puck saw Mike flash him a goofy grin before banging the door to the choir room close with an ominous thud.

'_What_?' Puck finally asked because, the one week they had been together, the first thing he had learned about Berry was that she was _totally _persistent. Getting her to give up on something was almost like asking a fish not to swim, or getting Artie to say something that didn't sound completely prophetic.

Rachel huffed, acting all irritated. What, was he supposed to act like he was super interested or something in what she had to say? Because there were only two things that made Berry tick: Finn or Glee. And Puck, for one, didn't really want to get invested in either.

'I would like to propose a business venture,' was what she said instead.

'Say what?' He replied, staring at her. Her mouth pinched at the sides and her eyes became hardened pools of chocolate.

_Careful Puckerman. Girl is nuts._

'I would be willing to provide you with monetary compensation in exchange for services rendered,' she prattled on.

'Dude are you asking me to, like, strip for you or something?'

Rachel widened her eyes until they looked like they were going to fall out of their sockets. She sputtered for a bit, spitting out a few words like _ridiculous _and _insane_. Whatever. Puck had been there during their make out sessions. Rachel was completely handsy and Puck swore there was some kind of spell involved with her tiny, little hands because they could be everywhere at once.

It had been completely hot. And a total sign that she wanted his Adonis-like body.

'I require a problem that you will be able to resolve with your expertise,' she explained patiently, the outrage finally giving way to what Puck thought sounded like desperation. Which was way weird.

'Spit it out Berry.'

'As you are aware, Jacob Ben-Israel has a rather…healthy appreciation of me,' she _finally _got to the point. Puck snorted because that was like the _understatement _of the _century_. He'd seen the creep hang around Berry like a bad smell.

'While usually I simply choose to ignore his rather odious advances, circumstances have recently been brought to bear that have-'

'Berry, _seriously_.'

Rachel sighed before whipping out her rhinestone-encrusted Blackberry and shoving it into his face. Puck narrowed his eyes at the small screen before they flew open in rage.

'What the fuck is _this_?' He demanded, seeing an extreme close up of Rachel's boobs. The white shirt she was wearing was soaked through with slushie, making the black lace bra underneath totally visible. 'Have people been throwing slushies at you? And why the hell does Jewfro even _have _this picture?'

'Well, usually I provide him with my undergarments to ensure that such material doesn't get posted on his site. However this time I refused and thus you can see the consequences,' Rachel flourished grandly towards her phone.

'You give this freak your panties? Willingly?' Puck asked flatly, choosing to ignore the anger coursing through his veins. Rachel looked suitably outraged at his insinuation.

'_Of course not_!' She shrieked. 'It's a necessary measure Noah. Why do you think the news of Quinn's pregnancy didn't reach the blogosphere so early?'

_Wait. She protected Quinn?_

'Leave it to me Berry,' Puck said, feeling the tendons in his knuckles tense in anticipation.

'Would you like me to pay you now or later?'

Puck gave her a feral grin. 'Later. And Berry?' Her eyes fluttered up to meet his and for a moment Puck wondered what it would be like to feel her eyelashes beneath the pads of his fingers. And then immediately told himself to quit being such a fucking pansy. 'I got this.'

Because there was this totally unwritten _law _that said you didn't fuck with Puck's ex-girlfriends.

(Okay. Granted that list was like, really long. And Puck was pretty sure he'd dumped more than half the female population of McKinley. And he was pretty sure if that Junior Cheerio he'd forced himself to make out with last week had walked up and asked him to kick Jacob's ass, he'd have told her she was nuts)

So the next day Puck swaggered into school and kept an eye out for that ugly bush of frizzy red hair. Spotting Jacob up ahead, he let his face split into a menacing leer. By the time he had grabbed the idiot by the collar and thrown him into an empty classroom, Puck was sure he looked like a totally wicked ninja (maybe with Uchiha Sasuke's Sharingan though with way better hair and chiseled features).

'P-Puck,' Jacob choked out and looked like he was about to shit himself. Puck folded his arms, letting the guns showcase their badassness.

'Israel, a little birdy told me you've got Berry's goods plastered all over your sorry excuse for a website,' Puck started, taking satisfaction when Jacob swallowed convulsively.

'There are many things on my-'

'That wasn't a question,' Puck interrupted, the dark look in his eyes resembling a thunder storm. 'I'm only going to say this once. You got that? _Once_.'

Jacob nodded so quickly Puck was amazed his head didn't come off.

'Good. Lay off my girlfriend, got it Israel? I see _one _thing about her _anywhere_, hear about how you've got a picture of her fantastic rack framed up somewhere in your creepy little lair, and I will _end you_,' Puck leaned down into his face, so close he could see the pimple jutting out of the tip of his nose. Gross.

'I thought you broke up?' Jacob questioned. They had, but Israel didn't need to harp on about it. Puck growled.

'No Rachel. Got it!' The other boy squeaked out.

'Don't look, smell or touch her. In fact, if she tells me she sees your ugly ass face _anywhere_ I will hoist you up the flagpole and duct tape your scrawny Jewish body so that when they have to take that shit off, it'll rip that layer of creepiness right off. And that's if I'm in a good mood. Capiche?'

'Yes Sir.'

'Good. Now scram,' Puck bit out and laughed out loud when Jacob ran right into the closed door.

Whistling, Puck headed towards first period.

It was during lunch that Rachel sought him out. Okay, so maybe he_ happened_ to be walking by the auditorium and just _happened _to see her inside tinkering with the piano.

Whatever.

'Hey Berry. Hit up Jewfro's blog,' Puck called out. Rachel actually jumped up and put her hands over her ample chest dramatically, chastising him for scaring her before she actually did what he told her to.

Puck thought there should have been a band playing a victory tune.

'You did it!' Berry exclaimed, all shocked.

'I said I would, didn't I?' Puck affected this totally casual tone, as if it was no big deal. And he'd done it without violence because he knew that Rachel saw fighting as completely uncivilized behaviour unbefitting of a cultured young man seen in her company. Which meant all those badass moves he'd picked up during Fight Club had gone unused. Shame really. Maybe he could have made Jacob uglier though Puck doubted that was possible.

Rachel was rummaging around in her pink trolley bag as she spoke to him. 'I notice that there are no discernable bruises on your knuckles so would it be presumptuous if I said that you handled the matter without violence?'

'Please. Like Israel is _worth _the effort,' Puck scoffed out.

'Nonetheless I would like to inform you how happy I am that you decided to utilize the other methods of intimidation that I'm sure you've perfected over your high school career.'

Puck wasn't feeling proud because Rachel was happy with him. _He wasn't_.

'Yeah well. I used the threat of violence which is, like, a billion times more effective because we both know these guns could crush his windpipes in like a _second_,' Puck thought he should point out just in case she'd forgotten.

'Well your arms are quite lovely,' she replied with a soft smile that made that dimple in her right cheek just begin to peek through. She stretched out her hand and revealed a pressed fifty-dollar bill. When Puck made no move to take it, she frowned prettily.

(Shit. He did _not _just think that)

'Noah? I'm providing you with consideration so that we can complete the contract I initiated,' she explained to him slowly.

'I don't want your money,' he stated because it was true. Taking money from Rachel was just _wrong_.

'I'm afraid I don't understand. What else can I provide that would be adequate?'

_You know what? Fuck it. Going in for the kill._

'Kiss me.'

'I beg your pardon?' She was gaping like she was _completely _astonished he'd asked this of her. Which it kind of was because Puck had been speaking to her in monosyballic sentences since the break up and tried not to look at her fawn over Finn during Glee.

'Kiss me,' he repeated, raising an eyebrow. 'Unless, of course, you're scared that one taste of this will make you regret-'

His words got cut off when Rachel full on _pounced _on him like he was the best damn cheeseburger she'd ever seen. One of her legs was wedged between his thighs and her hands were smashing his face together as she sucked on his bottom lip with complete abandon. Puck responded in kind, snaking an arm around her waist to push her closer and angling his head to allow her tongue better access.

_Dude. Her fucking _hands.

All too soon Rachel was stepping back, all flushed and rosy and totally _dazed_ like a semi-truck had hit her face on. Puck blinked languidly, resisting the urge to haul her sweet ass over towards him so that they could begin round two.

'There,' she said softly, gaze refusing to meet his. 'Was that okay?'

Woah. He'd made her speak _English_.

'Pick you up at seven? Make sure you dress nice too. Wear something low cut with that black bra,' he told her, smiling flippantly over his shoulder as he started down the stairs.

'What?'

'Told Israel you were my girl. May as well make it true right?' He told her, as if his heart wasn't hammering against his chest waiting for her answer.

Instead Rachel got this wicked gleam in her eye as she answered him.

'In that case, I'm sure you would prefer the purple confection I recently purchased from Victoria's Secret.'

And that was how Noah Puckerman was rendered speechless.


	5. Chapter 5

**a/n: First in a two-parter.**

**PLEASE SUGGEST SCENARIOS WHEN YOU REVIEW. And if you're reading this, please do. Don't make me sic Rachel on you.**

**That's right. I said it.**

**Oh, and forgive the **_**Vampire Diaries **_**obsession. **

Puck had been swaggering down the hallways of McKinley, flexing his guns and listening to Rachel prattle on beside him.

'So _obviously _Stefan is the unofficial lovechild of James Dean and Marlon Brando. His perfectly symmetrical features and smoldering eyes were what drew me in initially. But then Damon flew in – and I mean this literally because his calling card so to speak takes the form of a crow – and I must say there is something _extremely _compelling-'

'Berry, I think you're confusing me with someone who _cares_,' Puck finally had to interject because he _really _didn't give a fuck about Stefan or Damon. Rachel seemed offended by his lack of enthusiasm.

'Noah, you made me sit through that utterly horrendous movie-'

'_Fight Club _is a classic Berry. Did you see how those guys beat the crap out of each other?'

Rachel looked disgusted. 'The sheer brutality that was exercised wantonly through the film made me supremely uncomfortable. While I understand the underlying message about the dangers of mass consumerism and the perils of conformity that it subsequently entails, there was no need to pervert this by showcasing the pseudo-legal nature of these so-called fight clubs.'

'The first rule of Fight Club is that we don't talk about Fight Club,' Puck told her seriously. Rachel rolled her eyes in response.

'Well _clearly _they need to keep a tighter leash on their members because if not by breaking this _cardinal _rule would the rest of the clubs have come into being?'

Well shit. He hadn't thought of that.

'Huh,' was all he offered in response.

'As I was saying, you should reciprocate my gesture by sitting through a screening of _Vampire Diaries_.'

'I don't have a vagina. Chances are I'll think the show is dumb as fuck,' Puck thought he should tell her. Like some kind of advance warning.

'That's entirely presumptuous! You haven't even seen-'

'Your sales pitch so far has been this,' Puck interrupted her. He pressed the back of his hand to his forehead and pretended to swoon. 'Oh _Stefan_, take it off. Take it _all _off.'

Rachel didn't look impressed. 'I find that entirely unamusing.'

Puck cocked an eyebrow and opened his mouth to reply. He didn't see the slushie until it hit him in the face. Rachel's horrified gasp made him wipe the syrupy confection out of his eyes.

Before him stood Smalling from the hockey team, his grotesque face stretched into a grin. Slap on some paint and Puck was pretty sure he'd resemble the Joker. He glanced down to the side and saw Rachel dripping in orange ice. The white shirt she had on was going see-through and there was no way in hell these idiots were getting a glimpse of the purple lace Victoria's secret holding her sweater puppies in place.

'Oh. You're fucking _dead_,' Puck growled out.

'I'm _shivering _Puckerman,' Smalling tried to vibrate his body in place. Puck thought he looked spastic. Cracking his knuckles one by one, Puck ignored the whispers flying around them.

Neither of them expected the shrill, piercing tone of voice coming out from the petite brunette.

(Okay, Puck thought it was always a possibility. Rachel and noise were practically the same thing)

'_This _is _vintage _Christian Dior! Do you _know _how much this _costs_? More than it would take to fix that unseemly droop to your left eyelid! This is absolutely _unforgivable_!'

Smalling gaped, clearly not anticipating Rachel Berry of all people to react. People – including her old boyfriend before she had brought him under her dainty thumb – had always tossed drinks into her face and received nary a comeback.

It appeared that today marked the arrival of a new dawn.

'Sing soprano you uneducated _heathen_!' Giving a more feminine version of a battle cry, Rachel freaked the fuck _out_ and aimed her Mary Jane clad feet squarely into Smalling's nether regions. The Big Quench cup dropped to the floor with a wet _thwop_ and Puck half expected some Matrix shit to go down. Unfortunately Rachel wasn't dressed in leather and Puck didn't have the opportunity to see Rachel bring Smalling to his knees in super slow mo. What he got instead was the equally satisfying visage of Smalling crying like a fucking baby as he cupped his small family jewels in one hand.

Flipping her hair over her shoulder, she completely missed how the people closest to her flinched. Puck didn't however.

'Babe, you have legs like fucking _bazookas_,' he murmured, completely in awe. Rachel rolled her eyes.

'I don't appreciate you extending your inane description of my legs to a weapon utilized to inflict mass destruction.'

'Dude, _look _at this dipshit,' Puck gestured towards Smalling, who was still lying motionless on the floor. 'You like _flattened _him.'

'If there was one thing I gleaned off that horrendous movie you adore, it was to plan a strategic hit aimed at ensuring maximum damage.'

For a single, horrifying moment Puck imagined telling Rachel Stefan Salvatore wasn't _all that _and receiving the same swift kick in the nuts Smalling had gotten.

Puck grabbed Rachel's hand in his but before he hauled her off towards the disabled bathroom, he plastered on his darkest scowl.

'Let this be a lesson to you: Don't Fuck With Puck.'

Of course his girlfriend had to _completely _ruin the moment by talking.

'And I would also wish to advise that the next person who sees fit to disparage me in any way,' Rachel announced in her Madison Square Garden voice, 'that I have watched enough of Dean Winchester to make you _wish _you aren't in the way of my Tony.' She gave their audience what she thought must have been an intimidating scowl.

Puck needed to work on her with that because she just looked retarded.

'Yeah Yeah Xena. Let's go wash this shit off,' Puck mumbled, dragging her towards the bathroom.

A few minutes later and she was perched on his knee, shirt still transparent as all hell. She had deemed the white button-down unsalvageable and now she was gently washing the slushie off his 'hawk while keeping her mouth shut.

It made Puck angry and for some reason his chest was squeezing itself.

'Babe, you okay?'

Rachel sighed all heavy but still kept her tiny fingers running through his thin strip of hair.

'I thought we discussed my aversion to that endearment. I bear no resemblance whatsoever to a pig,' she said without any bite to her tone, which was _really _when Puck started to worry because he remembered the complete verbal barrage he had been subjected to the first time he had called her that.

'It's just…It's not _fair_,' she kind of sobbed out and Puck started panicking because crying girls were _so _not his skill and a crying Rachel was _completely _out of his comfort zone.

(He also didn't like it when she cried. Yeah, yeah. Shut up)

'Would it help if I thought you were a complete badass when you took Smalling's balls off?' Puck proffered jokingly and calmed down a bit when Rachel gave a kind of laugh that was wet and made her breath hitch at the same time.

He reached over and laid a hand on her soft cheek, Rachel leaning into his touch. When she let out a breath, it tickled his skin. Puck didn't complain that she was getting more of that orange crap all over his shirt either when she tucked herself into him. He rested his hand on her thigh, rubbing small circles just above her knee.

Rachel sunk into the warmth that seemed to radiate off Puck and for a blessed moment she thanked every award she was going to win due to her award-winning, career-defining stint on broadway that her boyfriend was just so _sweet_.

But then he spoke and shattered some of that illusion.

'So…are you going to take that shirt off?'


	6. Chapter 6

**a/n: Part two. If this doesn't make any sense, pretend it does.**

**SPOILER ALERT FOR THE LATEST EPISODE OF VAMPIRE DIARIES.**

**Oh and quote from the books by L.J. Smith.**

**Review, review, review. And suggest scenarios! I got some pretty good ones already.**

Rachel Berry had completely mindfucked him.

It was the only reason why Puck could explain what was currently happening. Because he was pretty sure someone had jammed a sharp pointy rod into his brain and drained it dry. He was pretty sure whatever grey matter jammed up in there had been reduced into one of those nasty, shriveled up dried mushrooms his Mum got from the Asian foods aisle.

'When will this _end_?' He asked, semi-dramatically. Rachel didn't answer, eyes glued to the television screen like she was some sort of robot.

Stefan Salvatore (Emo Prince much? Like the dude didn't have to be all vampire cliché and brood in that completely old as fuck room he shacked up in. Sure Angel had done it but at least he had like this badass murderous motherfucker that Puck was sure met the checklist of a bipolar personality disorder) was currently making out with that smokin' hot Elena chick on his couch.

After Rachel had taken Smalling's crotch to the mat, the student body of McKinley had given his girlfriend a wide berth. She had finally taken off the slushee-soaked shirt after lamenting for god knows how long about some dude called Christian Dior and the utter _horror _Hummel would feel if he saw the stain. When Puck had decently suggested just whacking on some baking soda, Rachel had given him this completely withering stare that had him maybe inching out of leg range. Which meant Puck hadn't even seen his girlfriend in a bra yet.

Lame.

It was the general sad "someone-killed-my-puppy" look that had made Puck agree to this marathon of fucking _badness_. He was pretty sure if any of the guys caught wind that he had just sat through all even episodes of the first season of _The Vampire Diaries_, they would take him out back and throw him into the dumpster on principle. That is, if Puck didn't off himself first.

'Wasn't that beautiful?' Rachel actually _sniffed_. Puck blinked and realized that the last fucking episode had finally, _finally _ended.

'Oh thank _fuck_,' he exalted, throwing his head back against his sofa.

'You cannot tell me that hearing Stefan declare his love for Elena did not, at the very least, move you in some way!'

'Babe, the dude pretty much just confessed to stalking her,' Puck informed her flatly, raising an eyebrow. '_And _he told her she was adopted _because _of said stalking-'

'He wasn't _stalking_-'

Puck snorted. 'Whatever. It walks like a duck, it talks like a duck, it _is _a duck.'

'Why Noah, your absolutely _compelling _argument has won me over,' Rachel said sarcastically, rolling her eyes as she tugged on the ratty gym shirt she had been forced to wear. Puck offered her his jersey but she had mumbled something about hygiene and unsanitary conditions so he had just dropped it.

'And that Elena chick might get points for havin' a completely bangin' bod-'

'_Honestly _Noah, didn't you get the message of the show _at all_?'

'Stefan's using Elena as some freaky substitute so he can fulfill his twisted desire to sleep with his ex.'

'Due to his rather _keen observation skills_-'

'Stalking,' Puck thought he should point out since Rachel had forgotten.

'Stefan was able to ensure that Elena was nothing like Katherine before pursuing a relationship with her. Which he should be commended for.'

'Am I supposed to present a detailed analysis of this thing? Because all I saw was Elena's rack before I completely spaced,' Puck told her truthfully. Instead of reacting like he had just slandered Barbara Streisand or some shit like that, Rachel heaved a mournful sigh and simply bobbed her head.

_What?_

Was she still upset about the slushee and the shirt?

'Noah, am I anything like your other girlfriends?' Rachel finally asked and the question caught Puck completely from left field.

'_Fuck no_.'

'Have you…had a girlfriend? That is, committed yourself to a monogamous relationship for an extended period of time?'

'You mean with Santana? Longest fucking two weeks of my _life_. And trust me Berry, you're _nothing _like Senorita Loca,' Puck said forcefully. Because Rachel was like this shiny, bright Disney Princess who believed in you and saw the good in you even though you were a complete dick to her to begin with. Santana, on the other hand, was concentrated evil crammed into a red uniform to show she was really secretly a member of Satan's army. Puck half expected to find a pitchfork hiding behind her back.

'I see,' Rachel said in a way that sent alarms ringing in his hand.

'You see what?' Puck hadn't expected this serious deep and meaningful after hours of bad acting and crappy teenage angst.

(Okay. Damon was kinda awesome. The dude was evil, a complete player and rocked an incredible 'do that made you want to root for him. Plus he was maybe funny)

'It's no secret that your reputation has suffered greatly due to your relationship with me. The slushee was my-'

'Oh hell. _Don't _even say what I know you're going to say. The Jewish guilt complex thing isn't even funny,' Puck said, folding his arms.

'But Noah, perhaps it would be beneficial if you-'

'God Berry, quit being such a fucking drama queen. I'm pretty sure no one is going to mess with us after you castrated Smalling this morning. So just, like, take a chill pill and quit being so _down_.'

Rachel didn't answer him, merely jerking her head abruptly before biting her lip. Taking in her gym shirt and shorts, Puck got a completely rad idea.

'Hang tight,' he mumbled before darting off to his room. Heading towards his dresser, he grabbed something soft and worn from the second drawer. Looking down at it, Puck sucked in a breath and clucked his tongue.

'Here,' he said, shoving the sweater into Rachel's arms. His girlfriend looked perplexed (ah crap. Word of the Day strikes again).

'I'm not feeling particularly chilly right now,' she told him, slowly as if he were mentally incapable of processing the weather. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Puck chose to swelter in his jeans rather than don shorts. Like he'd told Rachel, real studs don't _do _shorts and not because his legs weren't like fantastic or anything. Because they were totally catalogue ready.

'I heard that girls like having something of their boyfriends,' Puck mumbled, refusing to look her in the eye as he said it because could he _sound _like a bigger pansy? 'And you're the only girl I've _ever _done this whole…' The words were painful when he said it, 'Stefan and Elena thing with. I mean, I know I don't like "keenly observe" shit about you but I _do _know that you like grape-flavoured _anything_, that you like tiramisu, that your favourite colour is red and that you don't like any kind of dressing on your salad.'

Rachel didn't say anything and Puck started to feel nervous. So he pulled a Rachel and just talked some more.

'So that sweater is like a symbol of how I _want _to be with you. Because when you put that on I'll literally be _there_, except like I won't _literally _be there but the shirt is mine, so technically (another big word. _Fuck_)-'

Rachel launched herself at him, wrapped her hands around his neck and smooshing her cheek against his chest.

'Oh _Noah_,' she said like she was short of breath and pressed herself up against him tighter. And Puck just kind of stopped saying shit and smoothed the hair down the crown of her head, threading his fingers through her nice, silky hair.

'You may be boorish and use _far _too much crude terminology, and while you may not be Stefan or Damon, you possess a bone structure that is equally appealing. And also, Noah?' Rachel whispered, smoothing her hand down his cheek tenderly. 'You have a good heart.'

Said organ thumped loudly and rapidly against his chest in a quick staccato.

He watched as she pulled the sweater over, the faded red McKinley wool reaching past her knees. It made him want to shiver, seeing her wearing his clothes.

'Babe, you have a _way _better rack than Elena. And you're also less whiny,' Puck murmured.

Rachel giggled and pressed her lips over his.

What had Emo Prince said?

'We talked. It was epic. But then the sun came up and reality set in. This is reality.'

_She's not 'that girl'…she's Rachel and she's all that I care about. That's all the reality I need._


	7. Chapter 7 Cupcake

**Set in the Cupcake 'verse ie Chapter 4.**

The first thing Puck noticed was that she was sniffling.

It wasn't the loud, obnoxious sniffles that Finn had given the last time the guy had gotten a cold. That had sounded like a freight train sounding its horn. Berry's was more delicate and quiet, as if she was trying to hide the noise from listening ears. While at first it had been kind of funny because Kurt had actually heard said sniffling and had gotten this incredibly bitchy look on his face, when Hummel opened his mouth Puck found himself frowning.

'Rachel, I sincerely hope that you aren't _infecting _us with your…disease.' There was no missing the malice in the little bitch's tone and Puck saw Rachel's eyes dim and mouth tighten at the edge.

'Dude, just sit on the other side of the room,' Mike's exasperated tone made Rachel shoot him a grateful look. She must have noticed Puck's stare because she met his gaze briefly before turning away, making him frown.

Halfway through Glee was when Puck thought shit really started.

'Mr Schue,' Rachel halted during their run-through of _Don't Stop Believin'_, her voice sounding distinctly stuffy. Finn seemed concerned, his hand hovering uncertainly behind Rachel. 'I'm sorry but I sincerely request that I be able to leave early. If I continue any further I risk _permanent _damage to my vocal cords and that would be extremely detrimental to our chances at Regionals.'

Mr Schue, the poor bastard, blinked. 'Err…sure Rachel.'

'I would like to request that Matt be dismissed as well so that he would be able to provide me with transportation home. I arrived with him to school this morning-'

'I'll take Berry home,' Puck interrupted once he heard about Matt. Rachel looked astonished while Matt simply gave him one of those Buddha looks his football teammate had perfected, whereby he slanted his head to the side and seemed to contemplate the universe.

Mr Schue actually looked worried to be leaving Rachel with him. 'Is that alright with you Rachel?'

'Chillax Mr Schue. Berry's totally on board the Puckerman express. Let's skedaddle Crazy before you get infected with some of Hummel's bitchiness,' Puck said, shuffling towards the front of the room while Schuester reprimanded him on his language and Berry reluctantly seemed to trail her trolley bag behind her.

It had been a week since The Great Cupcake Caper (as Mike had taken fondly to calling their little baking marathon) and Puck remembered the supreme awkwardness between Rachel and himself that followed afterwards. It was like Puck had accidentally smoked some of that Chronic Lady and imagined that Rachel had labeled him _the sweetest boy I know_. He had, of course, feigned complete and utter ignorance about her Disney Princess moment because admitting that he had heard her meant confronting that he actually, you know, _cared_.

'I must admit Noah, that I find it supremely-' Rachel let out a loud sneeze that shook her frame. For a second she stood horrified before whipping out a pink monogrammed kerchief from her skirt and dabbing gently at her nose.

'Yeah, well, whatever. Let's just get you home. And _don't _even _think _about blowing snot all over my dashboard.'

'Never let it be said that you don't have a way with words,' Rachel rasped and holy shit, was she actually starting to sound worse?

This thought in no way affected his decision to speed all the way over towards Berry's house.

When they arrived at her house, Rachel turned to him with this sleepy dazed look and muttered something about being supremely thankful and all that shit. Puck rolled his eyes and cut the engine, even reaching out to drag Rachel all the up her porch with her retarded pink bag banging against his shins.

'Well, thank you once again,' she said with this sense of finality. Puck pushed his way past her, dumping her bag unceremoniously on the floor as he meandered his way towards the kitchen.

'What are you doing?' Rachel asked, all alarmed.

'I'm trying to make you soup. _Duh_,' Puck retorted, opening a random cupboard.

'Soup?'

'Yeah. No offence Berry but you look like an extra on the Night of the Living Dead. I figure since you helped me out with the whole cupcake thing, I could return the favour.'

'But…you can't cook. Which was why Michael requested that I assist you.'

'I can't _bake_ Ms Miriam-Webster. There's a difference. Now could you please go fucking lie down or something?' Puck huffed out, hauling out a huge cooking pot. He saw Rachel pinch herself. 'No Berry, you aren't dreaming. If you were I'd be wearing an apron with the words _Too Hot To Handle_. And nothing else.'

'If you burn down my house, _expect _a lawsuit,' Rachel shot back, pivoting around and giving him a nice view of her ass.

Chopping up the chicken and dicing the carrots, Puck wondered why the hell he was doing this. He wasn't, like, _interested _in Rachel.

Was he?

Shaking his head, he narrowly missed slicing his finger in half.

When he brought the soup up to her, Rachel was practically swallowed up in her comforter. Her eyes were closed and Puck saw her eyelids flutter, as if her rest was fitful. Setting down the bowl of soup on her bedstand, Puck stood by her bedside. Hesitantly, he reached down and grasped her shoulder and shook her slightly.

'Hey Berry. Berry. Wake up.'

Nothing. She slept on, turning away from him. Only thing was she grabbed onto his hand and settled them against her chest.

_Fuck_.

He tried tugging free but her grip was vice-like.

'C'mon Berry. You're not Stephen Colbert and my hand sure as fuck isn't an Emmy. Let go.' He refused to acknowledge that there was some kind of desperation buried in his voice. Because he was pretty damn close to the bed where Rachel had let him grab her ass when they had "dated" and for some reason, the thought was making him supremely uncomfortable.

Realizing she wasn't going to release him anytime soon, Puck heaved an exasperated sigh. Even when she wasn't conscious, the girl was making him feel like they were _supposed _to be attached in some way. Cautiously he managed to make his way over to the other side of the bed (in a totally badass way that involved killer ninja moves) and reluctantly settled himself on the edge of her bed. Leaning against the headboard, Puck glanced down at her. Unable to resist, he rubbed a thumb against her cheek.

Rachel shifted. Puck froze. She sighed, leaning into his touch.

No way did his heart just beat faster.

Resting his head against the wall, Puck closed his eyes.

That's how Rachel found him when she woke up, blinking to make sure that Noah Puckerman was actually in her bed. The blood rushed to her cheeks when she saw the way she had enclosed his hand in hers, pressing it up between her chest. Twisting her head to glance at her clock, head swimming and heavy, she noticed the now tepid bowl of soup resting on her bedside table. Her gaze shot back to the slumbering teenage boy, her chest spreading with warmth that wasn't related to any kind of illness.

Mind made up, she inched herself closer towards his body with his arm still clasped within her embrace. When he didn't move, she rested her head on his lap and felt sleep edge its way over her.

Hearing her breathing even out, Puck cracked open one eye and studied Rachel's peaceful face.

_She thought he was kind of comforting._

And just like the last time, Puck sure as hell didn't move. Instead he slumped down further and drifted off to the scent of mint and rosemary, Rachel's small body telling him that he cared.

He cared a whole fucking lot.


	8. Chapter 8 Cupcake

**a/n: totally another Cupcake 'verse.**

Puck had never really understood Valentine's Day. He had vague impressions of candy and roses and that one kid from the school marching band dressed up as some kind of ugly cupid getting paid to do singing telegrams. All in all, it must have been a holiday conceived of by a girl because what guy in their right mind was going to blow crazy amounts of money on _flowers_?

So V-Day (as he'd taken to calling it) arrived and Puck started noticing chicks giggling and whispering to each other as they braided their hair. He spotted Quinn up ahead and gave her a short wave which she kind of acknowledged. Ever since Finn had stopped trying to cave his face in, things between the quarterback and fallen Cheerio had gotten slightly better. Puck only knew this because of craving runs. It wasn't like he let Quinn sob out her whole _Days of Our Lives _bit onto his shoulder.

(Okay. He did. But it was totally done in _private _and it wasn't like he could turn away the mother of his child, could he?)

Spotting Rachel up ahead, Puck kind of faltered but then kept heading towards the midget. It wasn't like he was _scared _of her. Just that the totally fucking epiphany he had had when he had taken care of Rachel (Puck still had trouble trying to remember _why _he had pulled a Florence Nightingale on Berry) had completely thrown him for a loop. He'd shifted Rachel's head gently off his lap and bolted the fuck outta there before the feelings could start to take over his brain. Rachel had returned to school the next day still under the weather but hadn't mentioned any of his awesome doctoring skills to him or anyone else.

Puck didn't know whether to be pissed or grateful.

(Probably pissed. No wait. _Grateful_. Yeah. Definitely grateful)

His eyes narrowed when he saw Chang heading towards Rachel with something stuffed behind his back. Slowing his stride, Puck watched astonished as Mike handed Rachel a single red rose.

_What. The. Fuck?_

The worst thing was the absolute adoring expression Rachel had plastered all over her face as she cradled the damn thing as if it were made from glass.

'Oh _Michael_,' she said all breathy and awed. 'This is…that is…'

'It's made of chocolate. I know how you think it does something funky to your vocal chords but _dude_, it's a rose made of _chocolate_. How _awesome _is that?' Mike gestured while smiling at Rachel. A few students stopped and openly gaped.

'Nonetheless, it's the most thoughtful and _sweetest _thing anyone has ever done for me,' Rachel enthused and went up on her toes to press a kiss against Mike's cheek. The Asian boy went all pink and stammered and Puck rolled his eyes. Finally Chang left and Rachel stood by her locker, staring down at the rose as if she couldn't quite believe that it was there between her fingers.

Clenching his fingers into his pockets, Puck swaggered up to Rachel and ever so casually plucked the stupid thing out of her grasp.

'Wha – _Noah_! Unhand that _rosaceae _this instant!'

'Dude, isn't that a skin condition?' Rachel snatched the rose out of his hands and gave him a withering stare.

'It's the scientific name for the common red rose.'

'So you sweet on Chang?' There was no fucking way his teeth ground together when he asked that.

'I don't believe its any of your business-'

'He gave you a rose on V-Day. That's like some symbolic shit right there.'

'Well,' Rachel said all imperiously, 'it may _baffle _your admittedly small mind, but there are boys out there who appreciate me for-'

'Believe me Berry, I'm _totally _appreciative,' he leered, making a point to drag his eyes up and down her body.

'Yes, I'm well aware of that,' she told him tartly and pulled her eyes away from him.

_Wait. What? _

'Huh?' 'If you don't mind Noah, perhaps you can do what you do best and leave without a word.'

_Well shit. _

'Listen Berry-' Rachel closed the door to her locker with a loud bang.

'_Goodbye _Puck.'

He tried to pretend that it totally didn't suck for her not to call him by his first name. So he channeled his anger towards a more productive outlet.

'Yo Other Asian!' Chang turned around and Puck thought it was kind of amusing how the dude managed to look constipated and yet completely exasperated at the same time.

'What?' Mike usually got real upset when people called him that, especially since it had been Coach Sylvester who had branded him that way.

'What's up with you and Berry?' Puck tried to pretend like he didn't care.

Mike squinted. 'Why?'

'She's nuts,' Puck told his friend flatly. 'Didn't you seeing the warning sticker on her forehead? It says _Approach With Caution_ for a reason.'

Mike was looking at him like he was a dick but then this big smirk stretched across his face. 'Oh. I see.'

Puck didn't appreciate that tone of voice. 'See what?'

'You _like _her.'

'Dude, stop being a re-tard.'

'No, no,' Mike waved his hands in front of him. 'Trust me on this. Like I saw Snugglefest 2010 on your couch that day she helped us commit some kind of felony with the Great Cupcake Caper and you were _totally _smelling her hair.'

'I was not!' Shit, was that too defensive? He couldn't _help _smelling her hair when Berry had pretty much pushed it up his nose.

'So then you wouldn't mind if I went up to Rach right now and planted one on her?'

Puck scoffed but felt his jaw clench at the image. 'Do whatever you fucking _want_. I _don't care_.'

'Denial, my friend, is not just a river in Egypt,' was all Mike said before bolting the fuck out of there.

Puck spent lunch watching Rachel erect a shrine to Chang's rose. Not like a literal shrine but she was treating it like some kind of divine offering to her altar of Broadway bitches or something like that. Puck thought it would involve stars because I mean, _c'mon_.

This in no way made him skip his nap during Math and head towards the line of shops near the school. And it in no way was a factor in him buying what he had rolling between his fingers.

Puck waited patiently in the corner for Berry to pass by. Seeing her nice legs come into sight, he grabbed her arm and dragged her into the janitor's closet.

'_Jacob Ben-Israel_! Unhand me _at once_!'

'The _fuck _has Jewfro been doing dragging you into shit like this?' Puck demanded, the anger making him momentarily forget why they were there.

'_Noah_?' Ah, the first name again. 'What is the meaning of this?'

'You didn't answer my question about Jewfro.'

'I believe the more pressing issue is why _you _have _starnapped _me-'

Puck snorted. Rachel and her ego.

'Here,' he said without preamble and shoved the vial into her hands. Rachel shut the fuck up and goggled.

'Is this a chemical-enhancing drug?' She asked him cautiously.

'Fuck no. Like I want you high,' he replied as if the very idea of him giving her drugs was absurd. Puck thought he wanted to shudder.

'Then what is it? And why does it require me to receive it in what appears to be a janitor's closet?' Rachel wrinkled her nose at the old mop tucked into a nook.

'It's like…something.' He didn't want to say present because that would imply shit. Rachel noticed the lettering on the side and realized what it was.

'Is this perfume?' She questioned, gently unscrewing the cap.

'Something like that. The old lady said it was perfume oil,' he mumbled, scratching at his eyebrow and averting his gaze. 'I picked it out because it reminded me of you.'

The heady scent of rose, pomegranate juice and peach blossom blended with a hint of something aquatic drifted up into his nose.

'It does?' She whispered and Puck swallowed because fuck, had he done something wrong?

'Whatever. You like it or not?'

Rachel looked up at him through her long lashes and Puck was horrified to see that her eyes were glassy.

'Shit Berry, are you going to _cry_?' He tried not to sound panicked.

Rachel shook her head from side to side, glancing from the vial to him and then back down again.

Awkward.

'So see you around,' he blurted out before ripping the door off the hinges as he made his escape. Puck managed to avoid Rachel the rest of the day because _what had he been thinking giving Rachel something on Valentine's?_

Unfortunately they had Glee. Puck walked in and was relieved to see that no one else was there. Collapsing into a seat as he closed his eyes, he rubbed a hand through his mohawk and wondered when his life had become so intertwined around Rachel Berry.

The smell was the first notice he got. The next was the feel of soft lips against his own, brushing so gently that he thought he'd imagined it. His eyes shot open to see a smiling Rachel hovering in front of him. He could hear the rest of Glee filtering in but for some reason it seemed like the two them were trapped in some kind of bubble.

'Consider that my thank you,' she said with a kind of shy, soft smile that made her features look entirely too feminine. Puck nodded dumbly because he didn't know what to say. Rachel giggled and walked away from him.

Mike raised his hand and Rachel slapped her own against his.

Mike winked at him as Rachel took her seat down front primly.

Puck sat up straight.

_Fuck, had he just been played by Rachel Berry?_


End file.
